Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed many parts and pieces of being a foster Mamma, working with my birth families, the challenges and joys of children and the many chances to put the love of Jesus into action. But since the day Sweetie was placed with me with the intent of adoption, I have yearned for predictability in life for my own heart and for hers.
At the most basic level, I had lost the joy. I'd get a phone call that there was a potential placement and I'd feel dread and not excitement. I knew the entire bonding, teaching and grieving process was about to start all over again. Even with all of the joy of adopting Sweetie, I wasn't happy, so I looked for what needed to change and tried to do that.
And, for the last six months I haven't gotten a single call back.
Two weeks ago,
The phone rang. Interview one.
The phone rang again. Interview 2.
The phone rang again. Job offered and accepted.
I will be working with families who are they themselves going through the adoption process - being one consistent contact person for all of the various things that come up from initial phone call to finalization. And a sounding board for all of the irrationality that comes with the adoption process. After my adoption experience, I now understand how educated, smart people can fall to pieces at the thought of a week delay or a simple request - when your very family is on the line, it ALL feels desperately important and desperately desperate. I hope to be a voice of empathy and reason in the midst of it all for my clients as well as doing some hands-on education about the lessons I've learned along the way.
Of course this means big changes around my little house. I have been a stay at home Mamma for multiple kids for the past 3 years and with Sweetie 24/7 for the past year. And now I will be working full time, with my one toddler in daycare.
On the job front, I...
It changes things for foster care too...
And of course, I need to put my trust in another human being to care for Sweetie while I work. Which is HARD!
- Excited to be an educator - voice for kids before they even come into the home.
- Excited to be in the professional world again, talk to adults, take showers, :) dress up, do my hair, wear make-up.
- Struggle with certain views on adoption (entitlement; not open to openness; not open to protecting and sharing the child's WHOLE life; seeking the youngest, healthiest, whitest child) and knowing how to voice those well - and help create the change I want to see in the world while working within the system of adoption.
- My license was just renewed in June for 2 more years, so I will be official for some time, but have been put on the "no-call" list.
- Licensing worker cried.
- Still open to any (current or future) siblings of Sweetie, or any of my past long-term foster kids (if they come back into foster care) - we'll just need to juggle things around if and when we have to.
- This blog will stay put, as I discuss foster care from a distance, adoption up close and family life day to day.
- Seeking daycare. I have one positive potential lead - think some good thoughts for me.
- Sad to not have 24/7 with Sweetie.
- Glad to have been at HOME with her for a whole year (meet-a-versary on August 27th).
- Know she's going to thrive. She is in the books, action songs, friends, go, go, go, part of toddler-hood and she is going to LOVE being around other kids during the day! I just know it..
- Weepy as I think about how quickly Sweetie is growing up and how I am going to hate missing even one minute of that even if I am making the best decision for our family.