Tonight I went to a new women's group at church. I was so excited to go and I knew there would be childcare, so I could have some real time with other women sans kids. Well, the nursery is for kids one year old and up - and my baby is 9 months old. So she stayed with me.
Don't get me wrong, Sweetie is amazing and such a content baby. But her normal, natural, happy volume is loud and seems all the louder when in a room full of quiet women, listening to a speaker. Normal women. Women with babysitters and husbands and kids who are older than one. I am pacing in the back praying for sleep to come for my babe. When sleep didn't come and the noise accelerated, I went upstairs to the empty sanctuary and just cried. It wasn't that I didn't want to be with my baby, it wasn't that I didn't want to me a Mom, but in that moment, I wanted to learn from and lean on adult women.
Then during the small group time, an amazing woman offered to hold Sweetie and I accepted. Then the guilt set in. Again, with the Mom syndrome Am I holding her enough? Too much? Should I have let someone else, a stranger to her hold her for 45 minutes? Or is that okay? Oh man, when I put her to bed tonight she smelled like another woman... No one ever told me about the endless guilt and questions that are just part of the territory of motherhood. After 2 1/2 years of this gig, it still surprises me sometimes.
Motherhood. Amazing. Wonderful. Stressful. Here.