Sunday, November 4, 2012

Being a Mom is hard.

Tonight I went to a new women's group at church.  I was so excited to go and I knew there would be childcare, so I could have some real time with other women sans kids.  Well, the nursery is for kids one year old and up - and my baby is 9 months old.  So she stayed with me.

Don't get me wrong, Sweetie is amazing and such a content baby.  But her normal, natural, happy volume is loud and seems all the louder when in a room full of quiet women, listening to a speaker.  Normal women.  Women with babysitters and husbands and kids who are older than one.  I am pacing in the back praying for sleep to come for my babe.  When sleep didn't come and the noise accelerated, I went upstairs to the empty sanctuary and just cried.  It wasn't that I didn't want to be with my baby, it wasn't that I didn't want to me a Mom, but in that moment, I wanted to learn from and lean on adult women.

Then during the small group time, an amazing woman offered to hold Sweetie and I accepted.  Then the guilt set in.  Again, with the Mom syndrome   Am I holding her enough?  Too much?  Should I have let someone else, a stranger to her hold her for 45 minutes?  Or is that okay?  Oh man, when I put her to bed tonight she smelled like another woman...   No one ever told me about the endless guilt and questions that are just part of the territory of motherhood.  After 2 1/2 years of this gig, it still surprises me sometimes.

Motherhood.  Amazing.  Wonderful.  Stressful.  Here.

4 comments :

  1. Personally I think that guilt is compounded tremendously by working within a system that constantly tells us to be parents - but then reminds us we aren't "really" the parents at the exact same time. I have a running soundtrack in the back of my mind...am I doing enough? Should I be doing more? I can't do this for another day. Oh please Lord, just give me one more day. and on and on...

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  2. Being a mom is hard. Being a single mom is even harder. Being a single mom to little (or big) ones with attachment issues may well be the hardest job ever to be invented. I am right there with you and I'm grateful for your honesty.

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  3. It is hard. Yesterday I was sick and I couldn't deal. Sent my best friend a text in the afternoon saying 'I can't do this'. She came straight over, grabbed my kids (they weren't even dressed), put them in the car and said she would be back at their bedtime.
    Us single mums need to take help where we can get it. We should feel loved, not guilty. Just remember that the best thing for our kids is a happy healthy mum.

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  4. Hardest part of being a single mom, getting that break! I still remember taking my baby to the church nursery for the first time and him smelling like someone elses perfume, I was amazed how guilty that left me feeling!

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It'll be a pleasure hearing your thoughts. Alisa